Repentance & Forgiveness 101

All this week we've been studying repentance and forgiveness and why it's necessary in our human relationships because it affects our relationship with God aswell. There was a big thing about bitterness being the break between us and God when we don't forgive others and that was huge because I was bitter at God. So all week I've been talking to Aggie, my one on one and small group leader who is now one of my absolute favourite people walking the earth, and we've been talking about how pain from the past hasn't been forgiven and is now the reason for wrongful bitterness towards God.
There was one thing that the girls in my room talked about and little and we came to one question - how come even after we confess and ask for forgiveness we still feel guilty and embarrassed? Aggie and I talked and we came to the conclusion that the enemy is feeding us lies to hinder us from forgiving ourselves thus successfully affected our relationship with God. Caleb Brownhill made a point in class that once we forgave people and ourselves God could come in heal us. That point is probably the biggest point for me this week.
There's been a lot of clarity in my life this week, a lot of hurt has come up with week, a lot of tears have come out this week and a lot of secrets.
So yesterday was the big day and when I say that I mean BIG day because we repented infront of everyone.. well half of everyone because we divided and half. But basically we got to the front, sat between our small group leader/staff member and Quenton (school leader) and repented. Terrifying. As soon as I opened my mouth I started bawling. After I was finished I had this heavy pressure that I wasn't finished. I realized after talking to Scott, staff, and Emma, roommate, that the reason I felt guilty and still hurt, was because I hadn't forgiven myself. I talked to Aggie and then as I was laying there I started shaking - not because I was cold, though it looked like it, but it started in legs and moved up. That feeling has always been God and I haven't felt it since deciding to work with Billy Graham organization 2 years ago. So it was huge. So looked at Aggie and told her I needed to go back. And I told God straight up that I couldn't forgive myself and I couldn't let go because I'm too scared to give total control to Him when I've been living in a hidden pain and tons of secrets for so long. After everything came out and all the hate and everything for people was confessed my leaders wispered that the only way that God can change my heart is to give Him permission to come in and take it from me. I started crying at the idea that I had to let go but somehow got it out.
Afterwards and later into the night I began feeling lighter, almost cleaner. Quenton said that God doesn't expect us to hand over everything right away and that taking it slow is okay. God's taking those peices out of my life and healing my heart as He does. There's more behind the story, but it'll take to long to write, if you're super curious send me a message.
Please keep praying that God continues to take the hurt out and heal me as He goes.
Thanks for the support!
Hope everyones enjoying the winter! haha